hey remember me?

for awhile i was having issues getting on here so i kind of abandoned my efforts in my "secret" blog...

but i'm back...

i think joel is really back....really...

it feels like my long lost husband has suddenly resurfaced...

i have felt this way a few times in the past only to wake up one day to a strand of bad days that lingered and reminded me that in fact he was not "home" yet...

but i have been waiting with a guarded heart to write this....i finally feel like he's home...the man i married...the man who loved me so intensely...

i am still scared that tomorrow i'll wake up and he will be stressed and distant and i won't be able to get through...

as terrible as this is to say...sometimes i wonder how genuine our moments are...

he knows what i've been longing for, wanting, and waiting to feel again....so sometimes i worry that he just wants me to feel like he's home so he says all the right things and acts all the right ways...

but i think its all for real.

we haven't fought...or had any major issues in awhile...for that matter...we havent had any minor issues either.

he sat down on the couch the other day...looking nervous..."i have something i need to tell you" it didn't sound good...my heart skipped a beat...what could he POSSIBLY have to tell me...he NEVER approaches me with any issues he has...he just hoards them inside until the right moment to toss them my way...

well...i brace myself and say "am i going to be upset?"

"you might...yeah"

oh dear....

then he preceeds to tell me that he and CJ were playing with the drums and he took off his wedding ring and set it on the desk...then left the room for a minute and when he came back...no ring...

he tore the office and attic apart (i guess CJ had gotten in there for a moment as well)

he tried to wear this ring i brought home from work that had been left and ended up being much too big...but it was ...well...much too big...


he went on and on and then i just busted out laughing...

he didn't expect that.

he admitted his fear was that i would think he lost it in new orleans...that he had taken it off then to scope out chicks...i know him way better than that...

i just laughed because for four or five days he's been walking around worried and hiding this from me and all the while i could have helped him look.

i laughed because that is CJ...

how many times have i found a cell phone in the toilet or sink or deck? this is the kid who puked and we found a little round battery in the mess...

i don't know why joel was so worried that i would be upset.

i don't know many men who have been married for years and years and years and who never misplaced their wedding ring...i don't think my dad has his original...

it happens...

he then looked really sad and said "but its my combat ring...i really want to find it..."

that made me tear up a little...

i told him we would find it...probably the day we get him a new ring...

the only thing that i was upset about was that joel would think i wouldn't understand and he would feel the need to hide it from me...

he told me he couldn't believe i hadn't noticed when he was wearing the too big silly looking ring around....i told him despite what he might think...i don't make it a habit to check his ring finger daily...

honestly..the whole thing is just refreshing to me...

i love to have the chances to show him that i trust him completely. trust has been a battle for us after a year of suicide attempts and me delving into his private journals...neither of us totally trusted the other for awhile...but i realize now that i do trust him. i trust his words and his actions and i know that he loves me and that is all i care about.

and i think he's home.

i don't feel like i've grieving for my long lost love....not today anyway....

i love him.