hello old friend

i'm sad today. i feel so lonely sometimes.

my life always felt so planned and orderly. everything sometimes felt laid out for me. when i bought my house i felt the first stirrings of change and i felt like in that house with my friends i would have crazy adventures of a 20 something with no major responsibilities beyond getting the bills paid.

then i met joel and felt life surging through me. cheesy i know. but true. i came alive in the spark of our earliest togetherness. he made me feel like life was exciting. i did not expect at all to fall in love the way i did.

the pregnancy test marked the start of my life no longer feeling under my own control. i had choices along the way. but from my own head....i didn't really.

as life came sweeping in i knew i had loads of blessings around every tough corner, but sometimes i had a hard time looking at the good through all the muck for awhile.

well recently the muck had finally seemed to be washing away.

now my mom might be sick and its almost more than i can handle.

all along i have known no matter how tough crap got. no matter how things ended up. i had my mom and dad to help me. but really when i say that...i meant i had my mom. my dad is one of my best friends, but my mom has been the one person who has almost single handedly at times, held me together when i wanted to fall apart.

there are things i have never shared with anyone, not even my mom, that i have been through in these past couple of years...things that eat away slowly at parts of yourself that you simply sacrifice for your own sanity.

as i said. i always knew my mom would be there if i stumbled too bad.

but if something happens to her i have lost my only true fail safe. a phrase i loathe. a phrase that brings back negative feelings. but a phrase that fits.

what if i lose my safety net?
my friend?
my champion?
my nemesis?
my mother?

the woman who despite years of pushing away i always ran to the second life became too much?

i spent hours in therapy in college talking about how she messed me up.

only to realize she didn't at all.

as quick as i wanted to grow up all my life, it took me WAY too long to grow up.

last night as disappointment flooded me and tears were washing my face, i sat wondering if i was cut out for the life i've been handed. i keep wondering if i did something wrong.

i know i didn't. but then i feel like i'm being punished. i feel like i deserve more than to feel like this all the time.

feeling inadaquate is one of the worse feelings.

and i feel awfully inadaquate these days.

hello

so i sit in my kitchen. excited. nervous. overwhelmed. but overall....very happy.

joel and i have overcome a lot. i realize that now more than ever. he is currently off all medication and while he still feels he could use therapy he is doing great. and i feel more comfortable than ever in our marriage. i have my own issues to overcome but i have learned that the person i need to have the most patience with is myself.

today i stood outside, throwing the frisbee to kaia and felt motivated to make every day count. i have lost a lot of days. i sit in front of the TV thinking about all the things i should be doing and feeling guilty. i want to get up off the couch but i just feel like its this subconsciencely bigger step than it should be. today i felt energized. i need to get the house caught up so that i can focus on me more.

i got my new running shoes in the mail today and unlike the last five pairs or so....i hope to actually have these shoes hit the pavement.

i have done well for myself simply by watching my diet but i am so ready to take it to the next level. i kept thinking that getting in shape was limited to what i've been able to do in the past. well forget the past. i have today and tomorrow and everyday after that.

i want to run. i want to breath fresh air. i don't want to live out my life watching people on a screen in my living room. i would rather focus on my own life in this skin. i am not nor will i ever be perfect. i may never have "the body" i would like to have. but i will have a body that is as healthy as i can make it be.

but its not all about losing weight and being in shape. its about taking my kids for walks instead of replaying blues clues. its about sitting down with CJ and knowing my son better. its about laughing with evie.

i have felt pretty damn sorry for myself for awhile now. too long. i'm tired of it.

joel has quit his job despite our financial situation. we are venturing out into the world to write our own paychecks. i still have wildhorse and it seems it will be a part of my life longer than i was hoping...but the reward for us could be so worth it. joel has offers pouring in for websites and designs. once we get organized enough i hope to see him fall into his place in life as a web designer and developer. he has the skills and now he has the tools he needs...hopefully the rest is close behind. i'm really proud of him and how well he has done in school. for a guy who once identified himself as not being able to follow through. he keeps following through...over and over and over again.

i want to find reasons to be positive. to be joyful. to love myself more.

i know this is silly, but i have suddenly found myself attracting attention from guys again and its doing wonders for my self esteem. don't get me wrong. i'm married and i love my husband...but to know that another man out there sees me as a woman worth a second glace makes me feel attractive and i haven't felt very attractive for awhile.

life is good.

so awhile back i posted a blog sharing a concern about my son that i was too afraid to share with too many people.

well my concern has now been mirrored by CJs doctor.

i'm so frusterated in that i should have made more of a fuss when i started to really worry. CJ could long ago have started therapy and screenings making things easier for him.

i held it in because i felt i got "your over-reacting" reactions from my parents and joel. of course, joel has changed so much since then i am mad at myself for not talking to him again since then. my parents opinions shouldn't have made a difference either...but it did.

well. we will see how his screenings go...and time will reveal what needs to be done. i'm not pretending that any of it is set in stone...but i don't want to go on trying to convince myself that he doesn't have a problem at all.

i also don't want to feel like i need to convince anyone else that a problem exists. which is how i feel when people try and be helpful by telling me he is probably fine...or that the problem is no big deal.

its a big deal to me.

when you have a baby and you are holding your child...you have certain hopes and desires for your kid and most of the time it doesn't include therapy or any other hurdles.

its a hard reality to face and even harder at this stage when you just don't know what is going on other than "something isn't right"

on top of it all...hours are scarce at work and i am stressed about my status being held. i plan on calling in today and getting some edays added to my past two weeks so i don't run the risk of losing my insurance. we need it more now than ever.

i may be coming here more often to blog... there are just too many factors that are making my myspace blog too difficult to maintain the way i would like. i may just make it preferred readers all the time...but i hate that its come to that at all...

i have had a really really hard few days. some actions i took i took with good intentions and ended up possibly causing some pain to one person i would do just about anything for right now.

go figure.

and to top it all off...now i have an added burden from it all.

sorry its all so cryptic...but its as far as i can go with any of this.

christmas is two weeks away. every present has been bought but two and of course....we still have to buy CJs christmas presents.

its so stressful every time i talk to my mom she unloads on me all these toys that would be "perfect" for CJ...

she is not his mom and sometimes i really think she forgets. she has her opinions and she can't always shut up with them.

if i have one regret about how life unfolded during joel's deployment its that i didn't work it out to have CJ more and my parents have him less...

its made the lines with him way too burry. its odd because she isn't that way with evie or sam...just CJ...

we have no tree up. no stockings. no decorations at all...

if it was up to me we would have had it all up two weeks ago...but joel is in school and i work full time at night. we don't exactly have the time and the energy...and when we have the time we don't have the energy and when we have the energy there is no time...

i can't even get on top of the laundry. literally...its been almost 4 months that i have had piles of laundry to move...

evie needs about 80% of her clothes put in storage...

CJ has drawers packed full of t-shirts and shorts and maybe two pairs of actual long pants that fit.

i just feel behind on life.

and joel wants to have this party for his school friends. he is so excited about it...but he has finals and so trying to get the house in order has fallen on my shoulders....along with everything else...

some days i am fine. i just take a deep breath and come to terms that at this point in our life i will not be able to have the time i would like to do and live as i would like....

and then there are some days like today that i am just mad about it all.

i want this next year to just fly. i hate to even say that with two such young kiddos. i don't want to blink and them be grown...but i just want joel done with school...

i just want to be able to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours....be able to wake up and the house not need more than two full days of work to make it decent...

maybe go out and play with CJ and evie on a nice day instead of trying to sort through mail from august of 2007 (you think i'm kidding don't you?)

so with all this griping i have to say something positive.

i could not ask for a better marriage.

it took a long time to find each other in this way again...but we have...

we both had a lot to work through...it wasn't just joel.

but we have these amazing scars and lately its like we have finally been able to take the bandages off and say "hey look at that one you got there! look at this one"

we actually have conversations about our hurt and our pain from the past two years.

it feels like we are finally where we both had given up ever being again...

i'm really happy.

i'm really in love again...

and i am really really proud of us.


today evie said "da da"

oh man...as i typed that she said it again.

she is going to be quite the conversationalist!

a parents concern

so i'm not one to jump to conclusions too quickly where CJ is concerned...but something has been nagging at me for quite some time...

then i read an article in a magazine and it sent chills up and down my spine.

i approached joel about it...but he doesn't seem to agree even enough to discuss the matter...and my mom told me he told them about my concern for CJ as a seeming concern for me being overly worried.

but i can't shake it. its that question in the back of your mind that you just want to go away but it doesn't.

so today i looked into some stuff online...and tried to keep a truly open mind so as not to immediatly jump to any major conclusions...

what i did jump to was that in order to make the question go away in my own mind...i think i'll have to ask it to someone who might be able to answer it once and for all...

his doctor.

i am worried that CJ may be showing SOME signs of a high functioning autistic toddler...

his obsession with foam letters and numbers...never letting them go...lining them up constantly...

its not a normal 2 year old behavior...

he communicates okay...and is getting better and better...but still seems to lack in that department.

his speech is hard to understand...but mostly he likes to sing songs and ABCs and repeat phrases...but if i ask him "do you want MILK or JUICE" he just starts getting upset...

he knows what he wants...but he can't tell me...and he knows how to say both "milk" and "juice"

he throw tantrums when he can't communicate...which is normal for a two year old...but especially so in autistic two year olds.

i have spent the better part of the past hour reading up on all i can...
he might fall under the heading of Asperger's Syndrome

here is one site for understand the autistic spectrum

they have listed signs and things to look for:

The US National Institute of Health estimates that one American child in 250 is affected with an autism spectrum disorder, compared with one in 10,000 a decade ago. A recent survey by the National Autistic Society in England suggested that the rate may be even higher; that one in 86 primary school pupils may have the condition.

• Unusual Interests: The child is likely to be interested in something other than the interests of peers, including (but not limited to) electronics, transportation, outer space, maps, a particular academic area (science, geography, math), toilets, doors, or some other particular object or topic. The area of interest may change over time, but is likely to be intense, to the exclusion of other objects or topics. Parts of objects may interest the child more than the whole (wheels or doors on a toy car as opposed to the whole car), and the child may develop unique ways of playing with toys (lining them up in a particular order, etc.). *The child may also be interested in some of the same things as his or her peers, but to such a degree that they exclude all other things. this is particularly true for my son...almost represents CJ perfectly...he has latched on to random objects since around 9 months. rubber ducks...then the fly swatter he loved...then shapes...now letters and numbers. when he is fixated...its all or nothing...
• Unusual social interactions: The child may be interested in having friends and being social, although he or she will likely seem to be lacking in the understanding of how to go about that. The child may seem to know all the right words for interacting, but lack the ability to be effective in initiating and maintaining conversations and friendships. (Conversations are likely to be quite “one-sided,” frequently focusing on the child’s area of special interest.) The child may seem to prefer to be alone, and may find it particularly difficult to join his or her peers in imaginative play. There will likely be a lack of (or difference in) eye contact. There is a possibility that the child may be either the target of bullying, or in some cases, may be one who bullies (either with or without intent). The child may not understand other people’s interests, actions, intent, or emotions. The child may also be unable to identify or regulate his or her own emotions. i think its still a little early to tell on this one. he loves being around other kids...but he doesn't have enough play time with other kids for me to be certain that he has any social issues...also, he is rarely around a child his own age...usually its a kid much older or much younger so its hard to see how CJ compares.
• Unusual physical movements: The child may display self-stimulating behaviors, including (but not limited to) rocking, flapping a hand, banging his or her head, and flicking fingers in front of the eyes. There may be some physical awkwardness or seeming lack of coordination, such as difficulty alternating feet while walking down stairs, unsteady balance, walking into objects, and difficulty coordinating the use of both sides of the body (jumping jacks, riding a bike, swinging the arms while running, etc.). not so much....and yet i can think of a few things he does that MAY fall under this heading...but mostly i don't see this one in him as much...
• Unusual reactions to objects, people, and situations: You may be surprised by the child’s sudden violent reaction to touch, sounds, people, suggestions, or events. The child may also show little or no response to things (sounds, pain, etc.) when you would expect some type of response. Transitions, disappointments, or changes in routine may be particularly upsetting. The child may exhibit an unusually high level of anxiety, possibly engaging in ritualistic and/or compulsive behaviors or rituals when worried or upset. The child may allow some things (touch, criticism, information) from a select number of people, but not from anyone else. A child with sensory processing difficulties may either avoid certain stimuli (including sounds, sights, touch, smells, flavors/textures, movement, etc.), or seek them out excessively. again...i can see this in him SOME but not enough to really say for sure. texture does seem to be a big deal to him. and after re-reading i can think of a few other moments that might fall here...
• Unusual speech and language: Sometimes the child has an advanced vocabulary, with very “correct” speech (pronunciation, grammar, usage)— sounding like a “little professor.” (This is particularly common in those with Asperger's Syndrome). There may be an unusual prosody (rhythm, pitch, or stress), perhaps sounding somewhat “foreign.” Words, phrases, or sentences may seem out of context, perhaps being recited from memory (echolalia). Children with ASD may be able to read and/or talk well (some may have precocious reading ability, and many of those are particularly interested in non-fiction), but have difficulty answering questions or comprehending what they hear and read. The child may tend to interpret language literally, experiencing difficulty understanding humor, sarcasm, or figures of speech. Social use of language (pragmatics) may be different or even impaired. Other children with ASD may be non-verbal, or severely delayed in speech and language abilities. CJ isn't lacking in vocabulary...but he doesn't seem to use it in ways that would make sense. he knows all his letters, numbers up to fourteen, shapes (including pentagon, trapaziod, octagon, oval versus circle, rectangle versus square) he knows his ABC and sings it PERFECTLY until "now i know my abc's next time won't you sing with me" he slurs that part pretty bad...but its there...he knows twinkle twinkle, if your happy and you know it, and loves itsy bitsy spider... he knows words for most foods and he knows people's names...but for all of this...he doesn't seem to put many words together to communicate to us... "hi dad! hi mom!" he'll do...he asks us "what'r doin?" a lot...but these are things he's learned from hearing us...not too sure if he knows what he's saying or asking. he does tell me "i love you momma!" that is my favorite...and not so much a sign of autism at all...
  






• Unusual abilities: The child may have an incredibly accurate memory of seemingly obscure details (facts, quotes, locations, dates, phone numbers, etc.). This ability to memorize may or may not consistently extend to “common sense” details such remembering homework assignments or where the individual put his or her shoes. Although some children with ASD have a low IQ, others may excel at one or more academic areas, having an average to high intellectual ability. trapaziod....need i say more?
  

i don't know...all of this may prove to be nothing...my child may just be a little different and may grow up to be perfectly normal...but i also read that when caught really early...they can almost reverse the negative symptoms and some kids get their diagnosis even taken away...with the right treatment....

so in june when evie is born we are making an appointment for CJ's three year visit and i am going to talk to dr. keown about my concerns...even if joel thinks its silly...

i won't feel okay with it until i do.

hey remember me?

for awhile i was having issues getting on here so i kind of abandoned my efforts in my "secret" blog...

but i'm back...

i think joel is really back....really...

it feels like my long lost husband has suddenly resurfaced...

i have felt this way a few times in the past only to wake up one day to a strand of bad days that lingered and reminded me that in fact he was not "home" yet...

but i have been waiting with a guarded heart to write this....i finally feel like he's home...the man i married...the man who loved me so intensely...

i am still scared that tomorrow i'll wake up and he will be stressed and distant and i won't be able to get through...

as terrible as this is to say...sometimes i wonder how genuine our moments are...

he knows what i've been longing for, wanting, and waiting to feel again....so sometimes i worry that he just wants me to feel like he's home so he says all the right things and acts all the right ways...

but i think its all for real.

we haven't fought...or had any major issues in awhile...for that matter...we havent had any minor issues either.

he sat down on the couch the other day...looking nervous..."i have something i need to tell you" it didn't sound good...my heart skipped a beat...what could he POSSIBLY have to tell me...he NEVER approaches me with any issues he has...he just hoards them inside until the right moment to toss them my way...

well...i brace myself and say "am i going to be upset?"

"you might...yeah"

oh dear....

then he preceeds to tell me that he and CJ were playing with the drums and he took off his wedding ring and set it on the desk...then left the room for a minute and when he came back...no ring...

he tore the office and attic apart (i guess CJ had gotten in there for a moment as well)

he tried to wear this ring i brought home from work that had been left and ended up being much too big...but it was ...well...much too big...


he went on and on and then i just busted out laughing...

he didn't expect that.

he admitted his fear was that i would think he lost it in new orleans...that he had taken it off then to scope out chicks...i know him way better than that...

i just laughed because for four or five days he's been walking around worried and hiding this from me and all the while i could have helped him look.

i laughed because that is CJ...

how many times have i found a cell phone in the toilet or sink or deck? this is the kid who puked and we found a little round battery in the mess...

i don't know why joel was so worried that i would be upset.

i don't know many men who have been married for years and years and years and who never misplaced their wedding ring...i don't think my dad has his original...

it happens...

he then looked really sad and said "but its my combat ring...i really want to find it..."

that made me tear up a little...

i told him we would find it...probably the day we get him a new ring...

the only thing that i was upset about was that joel would think i wouldn't understand and he would feel the need to hide it from me...

he told me he couldn't believe i hadn't noticed when he was wearing the too big silly looking ring around....i told him despite what he might think...i don't make it a habit to check his ring finger daily...

honestly..the whole thing is just refreshing to me...

i love to have the chances to show him that i trust him completely. trust has been a battle for us after a year of suicide attempts and me delving into his private journals...neither of us totally trusted the other for awhile...but i realize now that i do trust him. i trust his words and his actions and i know that he loves me and that is all i care about.

and i think he's home.

i don't feel like i've grieving for my long lost love....not today anyway....

i love him.

feeling a bit unappreciated

well...i can officially say that my other blog is 100% open to too many people.

i got done working on a project for a friend...i was tired...and as i rambled about photoshopping this picture the words i choose to use ended up offending the friend who took the picture.

rather than emailing me or calling me...he left a public comment on my page making it known i had in fact insulted him.

without getting into too much i just wanted to say...it was an honest misunderstanding...

he said a third party had read it and that was why he even read the blog..(even though i have been blogging about all sorts of things in my life that are way more important)

i don't know who the third party was....don't really care...

used to love that people from every area of my life read my blogs...but you know..this whole ordeal is leaving a bad taste in my mouth.

i was already feeling really stung by this friend...well...actually...a joint friend...well actually...his girlfriend...who is one of my closest friends...

i wanted to help him out with those pictures...but the hours i put into them seemed lost. i showed them the work i had done and they were stoked

but then when THE picture somehow got left off the disk i got a call from my friend (not the photographer) asking me in a hurried way to bring my laptop into work so they could get a copy of that picture....

i asked if i could just email the picture to him...but she told me she didn't know his email address off the top of her head....

this is her boyfriend.

so rather than make a big deal of it i say sure and pack up my laptop to bring into work...

it was a concert day and so i parked way far away....walking without holding anything that far brings on pressure on my cervix all on its own...so i stopped by wildhorse and dropped off the laptop..then parked...then walked to work...during my walk to work i had the scariest contraction of either of my pregnancies....i had to stop and breath through it and wondered if it would ever stop....i almost called joel to come get me...then remembered i had to have 6 like that one to be concerned...so i vowed i wouldn't overdo that day. all my thoughts were suddenly on evie...i was to be honest scared to death.

i thought...i've done a lot of favors in terms of driving her where she needs to go...doing little things...like bringing my laptop in so she can save the picture...i'll ask her to help me get to my car tonight....she is one of my best friends...i'm sure she will understand.

when i walked in the door of the production bay i saw her and she didn't say hello. so i did...she said hey as she walked by me...i knew there were things going on...but it just felt like such a cold hello i wondered if she was upset with me. later on she warmed up and we talked a bit and i let it all go as just an odd thing...

so i asked her upfront after telling her about the contraction if she would help me get my laptop to my car. i asked if we could walk up together if she would mind driving me back to pick up my stuff and then back to my car (we are parked by each other) she rolled her eyes and laughed at me and said "i'll just carry your stuff"

well i didn't ask her that because it is heavy and i thought it would be ruder to ask that of her...but if she didn't mind...that would be cool too...

so long story short at the end of a VERY hard day (on me) we are all going to leave and i bring up asking for a ride to my car...because her boyfriend (the guy who took the picture) had come and was parked close...so i thought it was a better solution for her AND for me...

and she kept trying to come up with other ways for me to get to my car...asking other people to do it...wouldn't look at me...somehow it seemed like it would be okay..... and then she got a text and told me i would have to hang out for a bit because her guy had a beer waiting for her at the bar.

i said nevermind and left hauling my laptop purse water bottle and bag of fruit for joel up the hill all those blocks wondering why people keep telling me to think of evie and not overdo anything for her sake...and then shit like this happens.

they had a picture on the line so i did them favors....

i had my child on the line...

it was asking too much. not very long ago i helped her to haul to end tables to her old apartment after work at like 1am just because she is my friend...she kept asking me if it was okay and saying how bad she felt...but i told her that is what friends do...don't worry about it...

then i need her and feel rude for even asking....so yeah...i was feeling a bit stung by that whole day....

so then...i get a call a few days later...right before i go to bed asking me to photoshop on the picture again to make it how the people wanted it...

so i stay up for hours working on it for him...so he can have it asap...

and i write one line in a blog and suddenly i'm getting emailed (in response to one i sent) about how bad it made him feel as the photographer...

well it took all i had not to tell him how he and his girlfriend have made me feel as their friend.

not very appreciated for what i have tried to do for them out of friendship. beyond this one favor..this one moment.... you know when i was in the hospital...i called my friend (the girl) a bunch of times and she never did answer...i was calling to tell her i couldn't come into work and why...left messages...but truthfully...part of me just really wanted to talk to her..i was scared...bleeding...possibly losing my baby...and she never did call...for days....

when we finally talked she had called to asked me a hurried lighting question...

in the middle of it i got a "oh and by the way...how are you feeling?" without going into details i said "okay" and that was it...we never talked about any of it until i got back to work. i knew how busy she was with everything landing on her...i got that...i didn't even hold it against her....but a phone call just one...just to see genuinely what was going on...would have meant everything to me.

so i wanted to get it all out...can't seem to type even the simplest of things on my other blog....so here i am...

selfishly waiting

i won't lie...when i finish a blog on here i post it and feel this tremendous relief....some things you want to put out there...to share in some way...and yet...

i havent given info of this site to anyone but amanda...

i am still selfishly hanging on to my secret "place"

somehow it has to be public...i WANT people to read it...i WANT people to know me...really REALLY know me...

to read a blog and go "wow...she has things to say...i want to know more" and come back again and again...

and yet...i want none of those people to know me for real...in real life...

its strange what the internet does to us.

for me it makes me reach out desperately...interaction with people lays right at my finger tips...

but i like hiding behind a screen.

its funny.

today i worry about evie.

i take turns i think...some days i'm fine...the next i worry.

its like a yoyo

yesterday i worked from 10am till 4pm...

it went by quick enough...i felt fine until about the last two hours...

by the time i got home i knew i had reached my daily limit...i felt heaviness that dr. rodier talks to me about...the pain in my groin was pretty intense...my head throbbed.

joel was working hard upstairs...finals are mercifully soon...

i hate the end of a quarter.

i'll get into that in a minute.

anyway...he had biten off more than he could chew in trying to tackle washing the couch.

once in awhile we throw all the cushion covers in the wash... vaccum the couch and put it all back together.

well i added a new project and got almost all the pillows off our couch washed and dried. i still had about a third to go...was planning on getting that done today...

but joel jumped in and finished most of the pillows and then started on the cushion covers...

well then he was in too deep...working...trying to get that done...

i got home beat and knowing i needed to take it easy...

we horsed around a little playing a fun little game of sass the spouse tag....won't lie....WAY over did it there...but those moments are rare and special...

but then when joel started hinting around that he was getting stressed and overwhelmed with the school stuff and finishing up the couch i knew he wanted me to pitch in.

i feel like a broken record...i show one side "i can" and then when he asks for real help "i can't"

so i sucked it up and took the vaccum from him and finished the couch...got the cusions out of the dryer and got those back on....put all the clean pillows back on the couch...

i was hurting...i knew it was "sit down" time...

but i just can't handle feeling like joel thinks i'm useless...

he tries to do so much...and i feel like he expects for me to do the same...not always...but being off of bedrest seems to have put everyone in an ease of feeling like its okay for me to push it a little more now...

well...i went to bed with my right hip in agony...

woke up...still painful as hell.

evie isn't moving much today.

i've been slacking on my water intake...between work and being home i simply forget.

so now i'm worried my levels are dropping again.

today i am supposed to go and get a test done and pick something up...no appointment i just go when i can...but i'm feeling like i may do it next week.

i just don't want keep up a pace i don't feel good about.



about joel's ends of quarters...

well here's the thing. i am just realizing that when he gets stressed and overwhelmed...i start worrying about he and i and picking over everything from the past and just put myself into a bad place... when he is good...i am fine...don't even think about it.

its not fair to him to have to be in a good mood all the time to keep me feeling good about us...

but i think i'm still processing through a lot of stuff that we went through in 2007.

i hate 2007. new years was my favorite one yet.

for all the good things that happened that year...evie's conception... well...things like that...i would do it over... but for the bad...i will happily forget it ever happened.

i wish that joel's mood didn't affect me the way it does...but i get on edge...i take everything personally...

i still hurt when he pushes me away at times when he is most overwhelmed.

i want so much to be a comfort.

when he was overwhelmed in iraq he turned to me...so in his turning away from me i feel like i've done something wrong.

we have come a long way. a really really long way...since just december.

we check in with each other now.

"how you feeling?" "how you feeling about us?"

we both have sworn to each other to be honest....but since this...we haven't worried too much about us...

now as another quarter comes to a close and i find him getting stressed i feel like i would bend over backwards to make this one easier on him than the last one (we hit a REALLY rough patch as he was trying to get through finals...timing was the worst it could have been for him)

i feel tension when its on someone around me...

i hate going into work if i know that jill is tense about something...

i love her to death...but her tension really rubs off on me...

i think the same goes both ways...she tends to ignore me some when i'm really tense...

i think joel and i are both living for "when you're out of school..."

we start a LOT of sentences that way.

him going through school is rough...but its SO important.

he'll be done in no time and this time of struggling finacially and physically will be SO worth it.

for now i am going to ignore all the dishes and go lay on the couch with some water.

double love

well here it is...the honesty that is too painful to share anywhere else.

i am in love with two men.

shocked?

well...the same body houses them both...so don't worry...its not too scandalous.

when i met joel i never could have pictured a more perfect love...honestly.

we never fought. we longed for each other... we could make the world disappear as we laid in bed talking about our lives, past, present, and occasionally...future...

he was the perfect boyfriend...

he surprised me. he needed me.. he never let me feel less than the most important thing in his life.

i had never fallen in love.

i thought i had once before...when i was much younger.

too young.

joel became the man i had daydreamed about meeting and while everything was perfect...almost movie like...

we both wondered how the hell it could play out.

he was after all going to be deploying for a year.

life felt so beautifully cruel.

but we were young, in love, and had nothing to worry about other than him coming home safe.

that was when life threw us this incredible curve ball.

a positive test. i was pregnant.

i melted in the hallway outside of the pantry in trying to tell amanda as she was doing laundry what i had just discovered.

having been exactly in my shoes...i think a deep peaceful knowing it would all be okay vibe came off her as she showed sympathy in holding me as i bawled and said terrible things about how this could never work...what was i going to do...i couldn't be pregnant....and worst of all...i didn't want this...

lizzie came downstairs and when amanda told her what was going on the look on her face sealed it in my heart that this news was devastating...

i didn't know how to tell joel.

no idea what his reaction was going to be.

i called...texted...or amanda did...i think i was still in too much shock to work something like a phone.

no answer.

she called loren. told him to find joel.

he did and joel called me....confessing later that he thought...either kaia died...or i was pregnant. he knew me well...those two things would have brought out the same frantic reaction.

i told him...not in any pretty way...our movie-like lives and romance when out the door with my awkward phrasing of his new found father hood.

joel remained calm. almost no reaction. promised he would be down.

i tried to get out of work...couldn't.

went in and waited for joel to get downtown.

we met at mulligans...

he held me.

neither of us knew what to do/say/feel.

so we just existed together.

being with him brought me peace.

i knew he loved me...i knew i loved him...and suddenly i could breath again.

during those days...we agreed not to decide anything....

we planned a camping trip...three or four days of driving around with no destination...we would figure it out then.

joel did shock me one night as we lay on my bed...he said if we did keep it...we should get married.

it came out simple and without any sign of an internal struggle...

here this man had said he would marry me...

we had only known each other for a short short few months...

and yet...i knew he was the one...and somehow i wanted to believe that the same thing was what brought him to that conclusion...

he then said...he knew he would marry me eventually...so why not...

we agreed again...wait for the trip.

as days went by i knew more and more in my heart that my only choice was to keep the baby. everyday i lived knowing that life was within me.

a life placed there by the only love i had ever known.

i thought about it....my child.

conceived with the man i knew now that i loved as i hadn't before...

i felt i had to make a choice for joel in making a choice for myself...

so we go on our trip to nowhere special...we spent cold night wrapped up in each other and warm days exploring the worlds we found...and finally...resolved to get it out...we went on a walk that laid out our fate.

i remember the spot. the feeling....the way his hand felt in mine.

i told him i was keeping it...that i couldn't choose any other way.

i told him he could walk away. that i would never hate him, blame him, haunt him...he nearly laughed at me.

in a peaceful sort of sigh we knew we had a long road ahead of us...telling our families...getting married...setting up house all before he deployed to war, leaving me to have this baby without him and him to be put through a wringer...so to speak..of physical, emotional, and spiritual pain.

the stress of it all leaves my memory..though i know i lost a good deal of weight due to being sick to my stomach. but i think in hindsight...my "morning sickness" wore off the same week we got married....

the drama and stress and other terrible-ness aside...the four months of married life were the best four months of my life.

the amazing boyfriend...turned into the more amazing husband.

always loving, attentive...attuned.

i hoped i was the same for him.

he made me CDs and we made love as though it was an act of spiritual release.

there was much laughter as water fights left us drenched and smiling.

as we grew closer...so did the date of his departure...

then it happened.

a goodbye.

he was gone.

i felt empty and hallow and alone. thoroughly alone.

he was the only thing i had lived for since the first moment we kissed.

he was my best friend and lover and rock and comedic relief.

i lived a year in perpetual fear.

worry became my greatest threat.

i would worry all the time. save the precious hour we would spend online together...

the phone calls came less and less and i understood how hard they were for him...

hearing me and seeing me as characters on the screen were different.

i understood his need for some detachment.

i also thought i understood that no matter what he went through...if he came home alive...our tremendous love would heal him.

i knew nothing.

the man that returned to me was a broken man.

he had to put his pieces back together and in doing that...i started to fall apart.

i don't know how many times i have looked at him as two people...

how unfairly i have wished the man who came home to go back and find the man who i said goodbye to.

i cry at night when he is sleeping in grief for my loss.

my greatest love.

the man who left

i see him getting better...and yet...

we haven't been the same.

and when he tells me that things will never be like they once were he doesn't know the grief i feel.

the helplessness of missing him.

the emptiness it leaves me with.

i broke down in december. begging in a way for him to give me hope that the man i lost was not in fact lost...

he has been showing me glimpses of him since then.

hope is creeping back in.

but i feel like our perfect tremendous love might never feel as it once did....

yes...we are parents now...

we have both been through our own personal hells.

but i miss the way the man i loved before could make that all melt away.

i beg this man now to hold me sometimes...to feel the physical closeness of him is like pain medication for my soul. not fixing the problem...but numbing it enough to get through another day.

now i find myself once again pregnant...

and i can't help but feel like my kids will have been fathered by two different men...

my son by the first joel...the result of a carefree young love that was stronger than i could have known love to be...

and my daughter...by the second joel...the result of a careful wiser love...strengthened by shear will and determination. the result of hope.

it isn't fair to joel to see him this way. as one and the other.

i know he is the same man...

hell...I'VE been the one to tell him that he is the same person he was...that he has just been through something...

but its hard to feel like life is so different.

i do find anger in myself.

anger at life for giving me so short a time of carefree young love.

i daydream about joel and i being able to backpack across europe like we once talked of doing...

but its never the same...

we don't cling to each other as we once did...

now when life is feeling rough we don't retreat to each others arms...though i know i still need him in that way...

he in turns needs solitude.

he sees the unfairness...but i hope he knows none of it is his or anyones fault.

maybe someday we will find ourselves laughing drenched after a spontaneous water fight...and reaching out for each other the way we started...

i love two men.

housed in one body.

but i LOVE them both.

and that is all that matters.

amanda finds out what she is having

you know...something about finding out the gender of the baby paints all your pictures...

when i was pregnant with CJ every fiber of me was certain it was a boy...i never felt okay expressing that for fear of being wrong and people thinking i would be disapointed.

when i learned he was a boy suddenly my image of our family life was painted with blues and baseball and all things "boy" it wasn't that i was stoked to be having a boy...it was that i was stoked to see the picture of our lives...

then with evie...

i knew she was a girl...i called her "her" a few times...i was more willing to be open in my feelings this time knowing that no matter either way it would be perfect.

when they said "its a girl" my world suddenly was filled with dresses and pinks and all things feminine.

but also...the thought of having a daughter...to talk to about makeup and boys...to help guide in womanhood....suddenly i couldn't imagine not getting a chance at that...

so when amanda told me that she too was pregnant it seemed too perfect...

two babies...just under two months apart...

if she has a girl i have a picture in my heart painted of evie's best friend....

if its a boy...our two families...two boys and two girls...playing together and bonding within genders and ages.

CJ and theona are already fast friends...and while i think of knowing amanda for forever...CJ can say that theona knew him since LITERALLY the day he was born.

he lights up at the site of her.

he has after all only three friends who are kids...her and zach and matt...

he knows theona the best.

and when evie's new friend makes his/her appearance then i can clearly see the picture...

sometimes it feels like one big family.

i love that feeling.

day 2

i miss my grandparents.

not too long ago i was driving by where my grandfather lived in retirement before he passed away and i wanted to badly to swing by and sit with him for a bit.

it made me think of their old house in sugartree. growing up i always wondered where the name came from...but i always felt important as we drove into the gated neighborhood and my dad would tell the gate guard "john brackin going to see dr. brackin" and the guy would write something down on a clipboard and check our plates and wave us through. it felt so super exclusive. i think going through the gate made me feel a big like a long lost celebrity.

it was alway one of my favorite parts of visiting them.

i miss gammy too.

going to their old house was quite the opposite but i only realize this later in life as i now think like an adult.

they lived in a more affordable down to earth part of the world. but at times their house felt richer...

their were cardboard boxes full of dress up clothes and make up and my sister and cousin kelly and i would dive into it with gusto.

later when i was a counselor at camp marymount i brought along dress up clothes and some of the other counselors looked at me as though i was from another planet...but my campers wore the dress up clothes out.

when i was at gammy and rays i was never bored though i don't remember there being many toys.

i loved their backyard and that is where my strongest memories lie.

i played in and out of trees and leaved and collected rocks and acorns and played pretend games with my sister and cousins though i have plenty of memories of playing all on my own.

i did have a healthy imagination for pretend when i was younger.

i already see it some in my son and only hope that it grows. i'm so glad to give him a sister to play with.

i hope they are as close as my sister and i when we were kids. we have grown into very different adults but i will always treasure memories of the good times we had. we fought sure...but when push came to shove we needed each other...

joel and his sister were also close and still are...i do envy that they can still foster their friendship in ways my sister and i seem to have lost.

back to my gammy.

she was a painter...and i thought she was the greatest painter who lived.

her death was so dramatic in my memory.

so much fell apart then

i was at an awkward age to be dealing with a close death...it never really left me.

i am reading "lovely bones" again and there is a part where as the main character is dying she brushes past someone as she is leaving and that person is forever haunted by her passing...can't seem to get away from it...

i felt that way about my grandmother for a long time.

part of me wonders if she dropped in on me in my sleep for a goodbye and that feeling lingered forever.

death is a funny thing. its often the cause of loss of faith as well as people reaching out desperately for it.

goodbyes aren't as hard if they aren't for forever after all..

well...i am in need of getting ready for work.

heres to a blog that i NEEDED to be public...but yet...it feels so private....

why am i doing this?

why oh why would i blog here?

i am famous for blogging like crazy on another site...but here it is...i lost my ability to drown out my audience...

when i started...it was a few close friends...at one time i had 60 readers and new who about 15 actually were...

then as more people got wind of my blogging (within family and whathaveyou) i started watching what i said more...more and more i edited my thoughts and feeling more for my audience than i would like...so here is a place i can cut loose and let a few people know about and hope that i can write the thoughts and feelings i have held in...

welcome to my inner thoughts.

welcome to my heart and soul.