selfishly waiting

i won't lie...when i finish a blog on here i post it and feel this tremendous relief....some things you want to put out there...to share in some way...and yet...

i havent given info of this site to anyone but amanda...

i am still selfishly hanging on to my secret "place"

somehow it has to be public...i WANT people to read it...i WANT people to know me...really REALLY know me...

to read a blog and go "wow...she has things to say...i want to know more" and come back again and again...

and yet...i want none of those people to know me for real...in real life...

its strange what the internet does to us.

for me it makes me reach out desperately...interaction with people lays right at my finger tips...

but i like hiding behind a screen.

its funny.

today i worry about evie.

i take turns i think...some days i'm fine...the next i worry.

its like a yoyo

yesterday i worked from 10am till 4pm...

it went by quick enough...i felt fine until about the last two hours...

by the time i got home i knew i had reached my daily limit...i felt heaviness that dr. rodier talks to me about...the pain in my groin was pretty intense...my head throbbed.

joel was working hard upstairs...finals are mercifully soon...

i hate the end of a quarter.

i'll get into that in a minute.

anyway...he had biten off more than he could chew in trying to tackle washing the couch.

once in awhile we throw all the cushion covers in the wash... vaccum the couch and put it all back together.

well i added a new project and got almost all the pillows off our couch washed and dried. i still had about a third to go...was planning on getting that done today...

but joel jumped in and finished most of the pillows and then started on the cushion covers...

well then he was in too deep...working...trying to get that done...

i got home beat and knowing i needed to take it easy...

we horsed around a little playing a fun little game of sass the spouse tag....won't lie....WAY over did it there...but those moments are rare and special...

but then when joel started hinting around that he was getting stressed and overwhelmed with the school stuff and finishing up the couch i knew he wanted me to pitch in.

i feel like a broken record...i show one side "i can" and then when he asks for real help "i can't"

so i sucked it up and took the vaccum from him and finished the couch...got the cusions out of the dryer and got those back on....put all the clean pillows back on the couch...

i was hurting...i knew it was "sit down" time...

but i just can't handle feeling like joel thinks i'm useless...

he tries to do so much...and i feel like he expects for me to do the same...not always...but being off of bedrest seems to have put everyone in an ease of feeling like its okay for me to push it a little more now...

well...i went to bed with my right hip in agony...

woke up...still painful as hell.

evie isn't moving much today.

i've been slacking on my water intake...between work and being home i simply forget.

so now i'm worried my levels are dropping again.

today i am supposed to go and get a test done and pick something up...no appointment i just go when i can...but i'm feeling like i may do it next week.

i just don't want keep up a pace i don't feel good about.



about joel's ends of quarters...

well here's the thing. i am just realizing that when he gets stressed and overwhelmed...i start worrying about he and i and picking over everything from the past and just put myself into a bad place... when he is good...i am fine...don't even think about it.

its not fair to him to have to be in a good mood all the time to keep me feeling good about us...

but i think i'm still processing through a lot of stuff that we went through in 2007.

i hate 2007. new years was my favorite one yet.

for all the good things that happened that year...evie's conception... well...things like that...i would do it over... but for the bad...i will happily forget it ever happened.

i wish that joel's mood didn't affect me the way it does...but i get on edge...i take everything personally...

i still hurt when he pushes me away at times when he is most overwhelmed.

i want so much to be a comfort.

when he was overwhelmed in iraq he turned to me...so in his turning away from me i feel like i've done something wrong.

we have come a long way. a really really long way...since just december.

we check in with each other now.

"how you feeling?" "how you feeling about us?"

we both have sworn to each other to be honest....but since this...we haven't worried too much about us...

now as another quarter comes to a close and i find him getting stressed i feel like i would bend over backwards to make this one easier on him than the last one (we hit a REALLY rough patch as he was trying to get through finals...timing was the worst it could have been for him)

i feel tension when its on someone around me...

i hate going into work if i know that jill is tense about something...

i love her to death...but her tension really rubs off on me...

i think the same goes both ways...she tends to ignore me some when i'm really tense...

i think joel and i are both living for "when you're out of school..."

we start a LOT of sentences that way.

him going through school is rough...but its SO important.

he'll be done in no time and this time of struggling finacially and physically will be SO worth it.

for now i am going to ignore all the dishes and go lay on the couch with some water.