hello

so i sit in my kitchen. excited. nervous. overwhelmed. but overall....very happy.

joel and i have overcome a lot. i realize that now more than ever. he is currently off all medication and while he still feels he could use therapy he is doing great. and i feel more comfortable than ever in our marriage. i have my own issues to overcome but i have learned that the person i need to have the most patience with is myself.

today i stood outside, throwing the frisbee to kaia and felt motivated to make every day count. i have lost a lot of days. i sit in front of the TV thinking about all the things i should be doing and feeling guilty. i want to get up off the couch but i just feel like its this subconsciencely bigger step than it should be. today i felt energized. i need to get the house caught up so that i can focus on me more.

i got my new running shoes in the mail today and unlike the last five pairs or so....i hope to actually have these shoes hit the pavement.

i have done well for myself simply by watching my diet but i am so ready to take it to the next level. i kept thinking that getting in shape was limited to what i've been able to do in the past. well forget the past. i have today and tomorrow and everyday after that.

i want to run. i want to breath fresh air. i don't want to live out my life watching people on a screen in my living room. i would rather focus on my own life in this skin. i am not nor will i ever be perfect. i may never have "the body" i would like to have. but i will have a body that is as healthy as i can make it be.

but its not all about losing weight and being in shape. its about taking my kids for walks instead of replaying blues clues. its about sitting down with CJ and knowing my son better. its about laughing with evie.

i have felt pretty damn sorry for myself for awhile now. too long. i'm tired of it.

joel has quit his job despite our financial situation. we are venturing out into the world to write our own paychecks. i still have wildhorse and it seems it will be a part of my life longer than i was hoping...but the reward for us could be so worth it. joel has offers pouring in for websites and designs. once we get organized enough i hope to see him fall into his place in life as a web designer and developer. he has the skills and now he has the tools he needs...hopefully the rest is close behind. i'm really proud of him and how well he has done in school. for a guy who once identified himself as not being able to follow through. he keeps following through...over and over and over again.

i want to find reasons to be positive. to be joyful. to love myself more.

i know this is silly, but i have suddenly found myself attracting attention from guys again and its doing wonders for my self esteem. don't get me wrong. i'm married and i love my husband...but to know that another man out there sees me as a woman worth a second glace makes me feel attractive and i haven't felt very attractive for awhile.

life is good.