hello old friend

i'm sad today. i feel so lonely sometimes.

my life always felt so planned and orderly. everything sometimes felt laid out for me. when i bought my house i felt the first stirrings of change and i felt like in that house with my friends i would have crazy adventures of a 20 something with no major responsibilities beyond getting the bills paid.

then i met joel and felt life surging through me. cheesy i know. but true. i came alive in the spark of our earliest togetherness. he made me feel like life was exciting. i did not expect at all to fall in love the way i did.

the pregnancy test marked the start of my life no longer feeling under my own control. i had choices along the way. but from my own head....i didn't really.

as life came sweeping in i knew i had loads of blessings around every tough corner, but sometimes i had a hard time looking at the good through all the muck for awhile.

well recently the muck had finally seemed to be washing away.

now my mom might be sick and its almost more than i can handle.

all along i have known no matter how tough crap got. no matter how things ended up. i had my mom and dad to help me. but really when i say that...i meant i had my mom. my dad is one of my best friends, but my mom has been the one person who has almost single handedly at times, held me together when i wanted to fall apart.

there are things i have never shared with anyone, not even my mom, that i have been through in these past couple of years...things that eat away slowly at parts of yourself that you simply sacrifice for your own sanity.

as i said. i always knew my mom would be there if i stumbled too bad.

but if something happens to her i have lost my only true fail safe. a phrase i loathe. a phrase that brings back negative feelings. but a phrase that fits.

what if i lose my safety net?
my friend?
my champion?
my nemesis?
my mother?

the woman who despite years of pushing away i always ran to the second life became too much?

i spent hours in therapy in college talking about how she messed me up.

only to realize she didn't at all.

as quick as i wanted to grow up all my life, it took me WAY too long to grow up.

last night as disappointment flooded me and tears were washing my face, i sat wondering if i was cut out for the life i've been handed. i keep wondering if i did something wrong.

i know i didn't. but then i feel like i'm being punished. i feel like i deserve more than to feel like this all the time.

feeling inadaquate is one of the worse feelings.

and i feel awfully inadaquate these days.