i may be coming here more often to blog... there are just too many factors that are making my myspace blog too difficult to maintain the way i would like. i may just make it preferred readers all the time...but i hate that its come to that at all...

i have had a really really hard few days. some actions i took i took with good intentions and ended up possibly causing some pain to one person i would do just about anything for right now.

go figure.

and to top it all off...now i have an added burden from it all.

sorry its all so cryptic...but its as far as i can go with any of this.

christmas is two weeks away. every present has been bought but two and of course....we still have to buy CJs christmas presents.

its so stressful every time i talk to my mom she unloads on me all these toys that would be "perfect" for CJ...

she is not his mom and sometimes i really think she forgets. she has her opinions and she can't always shut up with them.

if i have one regret about how life unfolded during joel's deployment its that i didn't work it out to have CJ more and my parents have him less...

its made the lines with him way too burry. its odd because she isn't that way with evie or sam...just CJ...

we have no tree up. no stockings. no decorations at all...

if it was up to me we would have had it all up two weeks ago...but joel is in school and i work full time at night. we don't exactly have the time and the energy...and when we have the time we don't have the energy and when we have the energy there is no time...

i can't even get on top of the laundry. literally...its been almost 4 months that i have had piles of laundry to move...

evie needs about 80% of her clothes put in storage...

CJ has drawers packed full of t-shirts and shorts and maybe two pairs of actual long pants that fit.

i just feel behind on life.

and joel wants to have this party for his school friends. he is so excited about it...but he has finals and so trying to get the house in order has fallen on my shoulders....along with everything else...

some days i am fine. i just take a deep breath and come to terms that at this point in our life i will not be able to have the time i would like to do and live as i would like....

and then there are some days like today that i am just mad about it all.

i want this next year to just fly. i hate to even say that with two such young kiddos. i don't want to blink and them be grown...but i just want joel done with school...

i just want to be able to sleep more than 4 or 5 hours....be able to wake up and the house not need more than two full days of work to make it decent...

maybe go out and play with CJ and evie on a nice day instead of trying to sort through mail from august of 2007 (you think i'm kidding don't you?)

so with all this griping i have to say something positive.

i could not ask for a better marriage.

it took a long time to find each other in this way again...but we have...

we both had a lot to work through...it wasn't just joel.

but we have these amazing scars and lately its like we have finally been able to take the bandages off and say "hey look at that one you got there! look at this one"

we actually have conversations about our hurt and our pain from the past two years.

it feels like we are finally where we both had given up ever being again...

i'm really happy.

i'm really in love again...

and i am really really proud of us.


today evie said "da da"

oh man...as i typed that she said it again.

she is going to be quite the conversationalist!